REFLECTIONS

I’ve been reluctant to write to the blog lately, feeling a deep sense of loss after a co-worker was asked to step down from her position.  Her presence was one of the things that brought a certain amount of joy to the clinic.  She seemed naturally to be upbeat and made her work day enjoyable regardless of the many stresses that might occur on any number of levels.  She was someone that I also enjoyed spending time with outside of work as she was relatively new to Barrow as well and enjoyed exploring it with me. 

I suppose that a co-worker losing their position always opens up the possibility in one’s mind that it could happen to oneself.  Being a new nurse and learning at an exponentially quick pace has made me feel somewhat vulnerable.  The work is exciting, interesting, fulfilling, but also challenging and exhausting at times, demanding all of one’s mental as well as physical resources. 

My probation ideally ends on April 12, six months from my start date.  With the many interruptions in my orientation schedule, mostly due to time-consuming pertussis investigations, and conflicting schedules, there has been no time to demonstrate my required competencies to the nurse practitioner who oversees the clinical side of public health nursing.  It makes sense that this would need to happen before I pass probation, but its possible prolongation, coinciding with the loss of my co-worker and fatigue has uncovered a weak link in my mind set—one of vulnerability instead of confidence. 

I’ve loved being on vacation this past almost two weeks, giving me a chance to bask in the wisdom, love and joy of my adult children as well as to be enveloped by hugs, kisses and endlessly fascinating conversations with my two little granddaughters, Jordan and Keira.  My daughter, Lisa’s, life reminds me that anything a person wants is worth putting all of your energy into and believing for a positive outcome.  She exemplifies creating the experience she wanted in her adulthood and of successfully overcoming major obstacles to her happiness.   My son, Peter, told me about a time when he felt very vulnerable in a demanding and emotionally taxing position he held and how he kept repeating to himself that he did an excellent job and that his skills surpassed that of his boss’s.  It gave him the strength to remain until he felt confident that he could succeed on his own.  He mastered many valuable skills while there and later owned and operated his own successful business. 

Where did these kids get these and other great qualities and strengths?   Well, no matter…I’m overjoyed that they have them and it’s truly an honor to be their friend as well as being one of their parents.  On deeper reflection, I can’t help thinking that the many long morning and evening walks I felt drawn to take while they were growing up, looking up into the dark expanse with no distractions, factored in to some degree.  I remember asking that God, from the perspective of a single mother with limited resources, please make up the difference and to give them favor and wisdom that I wasn’t able to provide.  Whatever name a person chooses to call the Friendly Force--God, Universal Intelligence, Spirit, Love, Om, it is omniscient, omnipresent and omnipotent after all and only invites us to ask for what we desire most in life.  My little granddaughter, when we were embracing after these long five months, said, “Oma, you love me even more than God and Jesus do!”  If that is possible, I do and Lisa and Peter as well. 

I’ll be returning to Barrow this Saturday.  I feel more relaxed and will welcome this new chapter of work and life there.  I will miss my good friend and co-worker, but will know that there is only Good for her.  In looking back on this difficult chapter of her life, with time, her leaving may be a tremendous blessing.    Even if my probation is extended, I’ll know that it’s logical that it is and will tell myself that I am constantly gaining excellent public health nursing skills and that I’m as skilled or even more so than my boss. 

The sky is a brilliant blue there now, so even though it doesn’t offer the same sense of limited distractions that a dark early morning or late night Spring sky in Washington does--one that makes for a prayer with suction--Barrow in itself has few distractions, so the effect is virtually the same.   It’s off and across the lagoon for me on Monday morning, asking the blue expanse for wisdom and favor for myself and for all of those in need.   There’s an old saying that goes, “when things are falling apart, they’re really falling together.”  Time to consider that life is in the falling back together phase.

I understand that whaling season is underway…even though I’m a relative new comer here with limited knowledge; I imagine you all might enjoy hearing about what I learn and see.   It will be enjoyable writing again and sharing the adventures in Barrow. 

Thanks for listening and may you be blessed in all you are doing.